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Dreamless Roads

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alias author Jan Hawke

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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Dreamless Roads
    Posted: 28 Aug 2011 at 12:32am
This is Dreamless Roads the project and it's not a pretty tale which is why it's in here because it'll get rather bleak at times and some of it's semi-auto-biographical in that it's mostly about Jano and she's me and that's that really. This is fantasy as therapy in other words and really how it all began (again) for me from scratch at rock bottom in some respects - I may use some of this intro in the story actually... Wink
 
Dreamless Roads

 

Imagination versus life should not be a choice

except in dreams perhaps given clarity,

when a broken mind flees in extremis,

having closed its heart to others reasonings.

 

Trapped by life, unhinged by duty and coin

looking for meaning and finding none.

Faith abandoned, dreams all dead,

nothing left of joy, just dread and ashes in my mouth.

 

Running from decisions imposed by ghouls,

losing the race for sanity and health.

All havens lost and no place else to turn,

Ill-prepared for the defeat of mercy and grace.

 

Maimed and mute, I walk the dreamless roads

seeing no one, wanting none for friend or foe.

Not looking forward and never back for misery

is all around and madness waits ever at my side.

 

I can see light, just out of reach that calls for me,

and a feathery darkness casts its case for peace,

with whisperings of finality and unending silence.

And my mind’s life wills me to come home to stay.


I was really ill. That's my excuse and it's no word of a lie - I still have the scars to prove it. The worst thing? It was mostly self-inflicted, but then that's generally the way of things when the wounds you've taken are so profound and deep there's nothing to be done but to lie down. Maybe curl up in a tight ball too. Preferably alone. This kind of crying's not something to be done with an audience really. Cry if you have the energy and enough moisture left to summon up and wash some of the stress away.

When you're sad and cry your tears are practically seawater. Salty. Did you know that? It's true. I know because my eyes were red all the time for about a year once and they stung like crazy. I still have a mutilated tear duct in one eye - like a little domed pinhead under the skin. Ironic really. I have a phobia about eyes and pins...

Anyway - back to the point of this. It was all my own fault, but then again I was ill so I couldn't help myself. And that purple prose poem was the start of it. Funny isn't it how some things in life you can pinpoint to a certain moment (pins again, see!) and can say that was when it all began? It didn't really of course, but it was the moment when I knew, really at the core of it all, what the matter was. It was rock bottom with bells on and I needed to feel it because before that I was the world champion at blotting things out. Queen of the keep moving, don't think, don't look back, stay busy brigade. Well maybe not the 'stay busy' part since I'm far and away the laziest person I know, but in the 'keep your mind busy' sense, as in off certain subjects I was right up there on Olympus. Right in De Nile and refusing to admit to myself that everything, and I do mean everything was wrong, wrong, wrong. So, yes. Of course it began long before that, but writing that sh*t out was the recognition and self-awareness that had been missing and that I needed to feel deep down to the quick before I could truly begin to dust myself off and crawl my way back to someone who might turn out to be human again more or less.

 

Why wasn't I human anymore? Well that's obviously poetic licence, but behind all the tears and the raw aching feeling of being so alone I was on Pluto with not even a microbe for company, I was numb, dumb and lived in a perpetual fog. I wrote a poem about that too. Lost in fog. But that was later on when I was finding a way through the fog. Or following something, someone, out of it at times. Oh yes, I found a someone all right. It just wasn't the someone I thought it was. But that's going to spoil the story somewhat if I tell you I was following myself most of the time, or maybe not because what I was really doing was exploring a fantasy. It's true! Silly, huh? I know, but life's mostly silly when you get right down to it, and if you can't laugh you'll cry. Crying's a waste of time they say, but sometimes you need to expel a river of bile and disappointment. It's the only way to get rid of it all, so the one thing I learned making my way out of this slough of despond I'd lured myself into was that I had to feel something, anything and bottling things up, walking away, moving on, chin up, be brave and especially 'least said soonest mended', were all ways of keeping the poison down and re-infecting myself over and over until I couldn't experience any emotion at all. Because it all hurt.

 

So the poem's where it all gelled and got expressed in a way that meant something to me and it didn't need to be good, it just had to say itself to me. But I didn't write it. No, the me I was back then couldn't have written it, so it had to be another me. The me that's an elf.

 
 
More to come. Feedback is fine - desired even Smile
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Dagrun Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Aug 2011 at 12:54pm
Wow, Jan, this was me too once.
Though I'm not an elf, I'm more of a Wraith, smoke probably. Drifting this way and that.
 
Do keep going!
 
 
Blod skal være min endelige prisen!
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Aug 2011 at 3:29pm
Group Hug will add words when I can, dears.
Death comes to all
But great achievements raise a monument
Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
- George Fabricius, 'In Praise of Georgius Agricola'
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Aug 2011 at 3:43pm

Thanks me dearios - this one's been a long time coming actually but I got there in the end and what's more I'm smiling pretty much now even if I'm still a little stunned I survived Tongue

What do they say about birds of a feather? gotem This may be the start of another more loosely themed collection of stories based around fantasy and healing - it depends on how much I can temper the element of dirt-dishing in this one, 'cos I badly need to nail this last development (the one that's left me stunned but smiling these last few weeks - I'll be cryptic a little longer but some of you may recognise the scenario if not the actual person this concerns   The Sting
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Aug 2011 at 9:04pm

I won't bore you with the reasons why I got myself into such a mess because they were only a record of how I got there, to that place where even I didn't recognise myself anymore because I'd become this dysfunctional piece of meat who took everything life threw at her, did what needed to be done while it was there in front of her and then just... got on with it. The next thing that needed to be done. I was like a machine almost - one that knew what was expected, what was fitting. What had to be done in the circumstances. Emotions still happened but it was like I was a prism or a mirror? Someone would laugh so I'd join in. You want black? Absorb all the visible spectrum and I'd cry in the right places as well for good measure. For a little while. Not enough. Not until I was on my own and then, then I'd cry, but I didn't know what or who I was crying for you see, unless it was for everything and everybody. See, even now I can't say I was crying for me, but how could I because I didn't know me anymore.

 

Of course it was a breakdown. I did it very considerately, in instalments actually. Sometimes it was every day, a week tops by the time my dream job turned into a self-made nightmare. Now there's a really great reason. I knew - knew, I wouldn't be able to hack a managerial position but I kidded myself that I'd ace it. I had a job I adored and was really good at - scratch that, I was brilliant at it. And I had a boss I got on with like une maison en flambe, who loved my work, colleagues I liked - what could go wrong with handling a promotion where I'd be able to spread my glorious expertise and sphere of influence? The reality was that managing, as so very often happens, turned out to be not doing what you're best at, but organising other people to do it instead. That was the problem. I didn't want to do that because I was the best at it. If I'd worked in a culture where I could have 'led' by doing and not telling I'd have been unstoppable, but as it was the work I loved turned into something I grew to despise as I merely handed over projects I could have made shine to people who would do the job to the specifications without the magic spark that's the difference between inspiration and calculation. And all I could do was talk about it and do the HR thing that I wasn't anything like as good at. To use despicable management weasel words I could walk the walk, but I couldn't talk the talk they wanted with it. Not the way 'they' wanted me to. These days far too much emphasis is put on communication without necessarily listening to or understanding what's being said. Maybe it was me who didn't listen properly. Certainly what I wanted to do as a manager wasn't what 'they' wanted and I only knew how to do it my way. And I did try to do 'it' their way, I really, truly, did but it was no good. I wasn't any good at that at all.

 

I said I wasn't going to give reasons didn't I? But you see that wasn't a reason to me - it was a condition. A part of me and who I was. I hadn't had to think too much about how to be 'good at my job' I just was. Naturally. There's no room for natural in modern business. Not in the public sector which was where I was. Oh, they'll say it is - they'll say how they'll 'invest in people' or believe in 'lifelong learning', but when it comes down to it they want a workforce that'll do the job adequately for the least cost and bother in terms of productivity. To put it bluntly they'll say they're committed to good pay and conditions and provide staff welfare if you need support through life's little inconvenient hiccups, like a divorce or bereavement, but the minute you start costing them too much money in terms of what they can potentially get out of you, you're out. It didn't take that long a time for me to become obsolete. Just two years after that first heady one when I got promoted and seemed to be on a charmed rollercoaster, I was on what turned out to be permanent sick leave.

 

I was going to go back. I wanted to, or thought I did. But there was just no end to the depression and the people I depended on most had their own troubles and dramas. I was still trying to be the machine that coped and gave what people needed from me when they needed it. I thought I'd cracked it when I managed to blag my way into working from home because I could do that quite easily since my job was online and it was when the firm was on a major 'work/life balance' kick. I found a lovely house in the country far away from the city and the horrendous three hour a day commute, where I wouldn't have people in my face asking me stuff half the time and the rest in meetings about meetings and rotten forward planning. More reasons to be a machine me, see. The efficient, corporate me could do it OK. Trouble was she started being in charge the whole time, even when I was asleep...

... I used to have dreams, years after I left (well nightmares, except they were so bloody dull!), where I was getting up for work, putting on my clothes - sometimes not putting on my clothes too - and walking down to the bus, catching the train, then another bus and then arriving at work and wondering why I wasn't wearing a skirt or had forgotten my purse, or my mobile, and then wham! Suddenly I'd wake up in a panic just before the alarm went off. I actually thought that was useful! So I can't say I'd had no warning when 'the big one' struck.

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Aug 2011 at 3:37pm
oh words, how useless they are when I want to say something!  yes, yes yes is not much help.
 
Dread and ashes - that says something all right, that's the title of a novel about what happens when this happens. 
 
Still listening.
Death comes to all
But great achievements raise a monument
Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
- George Fabricius, 'In Praise of Georgius Agricola'
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Aug 2011 at 12:02am
The aptness of certain words - you don't even have to think about them for some things. There'll be more 'pomes wot I wrote' later at certain turns in the path and the main things they have in common is that they poured out me - if I hadn't been on the keyboard I wouldn't have been able to read my own writing they came so fast but that one was sitting up there for a very long time I think. I just wouldn't look at it until it had blotted everything else out from sight. Ouch
 
Onwards! This needs more elfiness Smile
 
 

I could go on but I won't, because all this postponement and avoidance, ducking and diving around the burning issue, keeping busy and trying to make myself useful amounted to something very simple - I didn't fit anymore. I was the square peg in the round hole. Silly expression, but everyone knows how it works, or rather how it doesn't. The square peg will go into the round hole and it can fit too after a fashion, so long as nobody looks too hard or asks awkward questions. But the hole and the peg, they know it's not working out, although it's highly likely they'll put a good face on it for a while at least.

"Oh yes, look! I can touch the sides in four places very well and really it doesn't matter that I'm stuck see, because there's plenty of room for everyone to get past me, so I'm not too much of a bother am I? Am I?"
"No it's all good, you're not crowding anyone out, in fact we can... oof! Yeah, look if you wiggle, just a little bit to the right and then twist just a tad... Wheeeee! Hey you moved three hundred and sixty degrees like hot sh*t off a shovel there just then! Good job!"

 

I rattled and rolled around untidily, or got wedged fast. Nothing was comfortable. Worse. Nowhere was comfortable. At home or at work; in the car, the train, the bus; walking down the steps to the street, in the lift, waiting for the bus; queuing at the checkout; silent or talking, eating or cooking, awake or asleep. Talking or not talking.  Not talking was OK actually, provided that included people not talking to me. I could handle me not talking perfectly well, thank you very much. People started to notice. A colleague laughed and told me I was the quietest roomie they ever had. It wasn't really a compliment as I didn't have much I wanted to say to him anyway, but it meant a quiet life for us both, so it was workable. No waves made, no lines of resistance to worry about, I simply coasted along as quietly as I knew how to and hoped no one would notice the cracks.

 

And then there was the screen full of work one morning near the end of January. I looked at it. I knew what I was looking at, what I had to do with it and, most of all how long it would take me to make it move so the next thing would come up on the screen. I kept looking. The screensaver kicked in and I kept looking. Then it timed out and the screen went black and I was still looking and not seeing anything at all. And all the time I was looking, I was crying but not making a sound. This was when I was working from home and my husband, who wasn't working due to ill health yelled at me from the living room, did I want a coffee? Then he came into the office and asked me was I deaf? Then he put his hand on the back of the swivel chair and asked me why was I crying?

 

Why?

 

Because.

 

I can't.

 

Do this.

 

Anymore.

 

Not ever.

 

I didn't say it. Couldn't say it. But I knew it.

 

I drank the coffee. We went outside to drink it. It was a nice day I think. Not too cold or raining anyway. Our garden is lovely. So quiet and the birds sing because there's trees all around us. The dog huffed about and made me smile and it was going to be all right, because I'd finished. Had enough. I wasn't going to do the work anymore because it was killing me with pointlessness. Then we had lunch and then I went to bed and slept until midmorning the next day, then off to our GP to 'get fixed'.

 

I thought that would be the nadir, but it wasn't. I still had a way to go before I made it to rock bottom. Did I say I was taking anti-depressants? Well I had, for four years. They'd been working pretty well for most of that time in that I was functioning just about, but now they weren't and... You don't want to know because it bores me, so it must bore you. So let's assume that I'd reached some kind of low plateau where I wasn't having to work and I was getting medical attention of various kinds, that are best described as sticking plaster on a broken limb, or aspirin for a brain tumour and I went along with it because I didn't know what I needed either and was prepared to try anything that was on offer. At one stage I was jumping through hoops again. For work again of course, but it was so 'they' could assess how ill I was and how long it would be until I could reasonably be expected to get back to work, so of course I co-operated because I didn't have anything better to suggest and though I knew I wasn't going back I felt it was inevitable that I would, because there weren't any other options unless the illness was going to be permanent. People got depressed, but they got better again didn't they?

 

But it was already permanent. It had been permanent before I landed my dream job; before I started the degree course; before this, that and the other. I didn't realise it for a long, long time. I was ill because of all the compromises I'd made from way back. Probably before I left school even. Certainly before I got married. Compromise is probably putting it too tritely. It was just decisions really. Ordinary, everyday decisions that everyone makes, that shape their path through life. Is this a job I'd like to do? Do I kiss this man? Will I marry him? Are we going to have kids? How hard are we going to try to have kids? Would I rather go on holiday? It's a very good holiday, but do I really want to go there? Some important, some easy, some life-changing, or just plain mundane and inconsequential. What colour shall I dye my hair? Do you want to eat out or in for your birthday? There was a pattern but I wasn't recognising it back then, because I was looking at familiar things and was used to looking at them in a certain way. That was OK I suppose. I mean I was a grown, independent woman who knew her own mind and nobody had ever forced me to make any decisions, or make compromises I couldn't live with. So I bumbled along, taking the tabs and some days I cried a lot and others not at all and still I was 'coping' with stuff like I always had.

 

Things were better in some respects of course. There was less stress to cope with of course, but I still had to keep my mind off stuff and that's where things began to turn around I suppose, although it took a long time to happen. Because I worked in IT I'd stayed off the computer a good deal at first, but after a month or two I started to surf about idly, looking at anything really and for one reason or other I found my way back to an online Tolkien store I'd used way back while we were still in the Home Counties and saw that they had a forum. So I had a look and stayed for an hour or so, looking at library articles and featured artists and quizzes. Then the next day I went back and again the next and I was finding all kinds of weird, interesting things about Middle Earth that I never knew - and I thought I knew my Tolkien very intimately, but nooooo! This was nerd central for Arda, but it was fascinating! And entrancing. They had 'kingdoms'. Sub-forums where people played at being dwarves, hobbits, or elves, or orcs, or Men of Gondor and of Rohan. And the kingdoms were all done up to a theme that looked beguiling and mystical. It was like all these people were having fun in a Middle Earth-like way, discussing the books, having 'lore' debates, roleplaying battles and love scenes and playing interactive games. It was interesting to read, but what grabbed me most were the 'Poetry, Art and Fan-Fiction' forums where people were sharing their scribblings of various descriptions and some of it was really beautiful, or funny, or both.

 

It reminded me of 1969, when an aunt had given me The Lord of the Rings, that first gigantic paperback of the Trilogy and I'd fallen in love with a book for the first time in a 'grown-up' sense. During that first summer holiday after I'd read it back to back about three times over, I'd had a go at illustrating some of the scenes that had captured my imagination most and began to read it to my  younger sisters as well. I'd been good at writing stories at school as well, before a scandalously uninspiring English teacher actually succeeded in putting me off Dickens for life (can you imagine? I fell asleep during Oliver Twist!) and taught me to loathe poetry - not a good thing for a Tolkien aficionado, but at least he wasn't quite as mind-numbingly boring as I thought Tennyson and the rotten Lady of Shallot was... So I started looking at all these nerdy art and fan fiction pages and it was so damned attractive that I wanted to leave feedback and critique, but of course to do that I had to join. So I did!

 

It was just for the writing and the artwork at first. But it was so interesting and the people were really nice. Mostly teens, but there were older people on there too, much older than me in some cases, from all around the world, so the sense of community was pretty enthralling at that time anyway, when I was only skimming the surface. At first I was just going to post to other people, but then I started to want to do some drawing myself, then to write something myself and before I knew it I was opening my own art and writing threads, no poetry yet - that came later as I really wasn't 'into' that yet, and then people were visiting me and saying, 'Hey, that's great!' or 'Wow - how original!' or 'Whoa - where the hell did that come from?'

 

I started spending more time on that one forum during my daily web sessions and I began to roam around the other forums again, intrigued by all these people I was meeting in the creative threads and what they were getting out of roleplay and urging me to have a go as well, because 'you'd be great at it'. But I wasn't convinced. In fact I was actually very apprehensive about the whole roleplay thing, so I went around the kingdoms again looking at what went on there more closely and trying to get a feel for what I wanted to do. And while I was looking around, I was attempting to find out what would be best for me - who I wanted to 'be'. I quite fancied being something exotic, like an elf or maybe a dwarf - there were a lot of dwarves in the creative forums I'd got friendly with, but I didn't think I'd make a great warrior type, although that looked like fun. But... but... but... I started to agonise over what would suit me. Elves were all very well but I was short and dumpy and feeling very unattractive and I certainly didn't want to go around with a beard compounding the problem, so that knocked being a dwarf on the head too. I didn't really want to be a hobbit. Too cutesy by far for me - I couldn't face saccharine anymore and wanted something gutsy, but without too much pathos. Wizards? Nah - they didn't let you play canon characters and there were really only two. Ents? Prevaricating tree-folk who thrived on not being hasty? Boring! Then there was the dark side of course - I looked good in black! But that was too dark for me of course. I would have blended in too well. So it had be a 'good' hero-style human I concluded, although I asked around in the newbie forums for advice from more experienced members and was given a very warm reception from a Nazgûl and a couple of elves - well an elf and a human who hung out big time with elves - and got talked into joining a Mannish kingdom. It kind of made sense as Lady Éowyn was a favourite character and I truly, madly, deeply had a secret yearning to play with horseys so joining Rohan was looking pretty damned compelling... Except, somehow my finger slipped when I went for the kingdom selection button and suddenly I ended up in Minas Tirith for a very confused and miserable week!

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Aug 2011 at 6:47pm

It was because I didn't know what to do, or rather how to 'do it'? The roleplay that is. That's part of the reason why being an elf or a dwarf was too scary, because I at least knew how to be human, but if I had to be a different 'species' as well it seemed it would be too much for me. I wasn't thinking straight really, but then roleplay can be a minefield, even if you think you know the genre really well. This was about two years after the Peter Jackson trilogy was out there and so there were now two 'canons' for Middle Earth, which accounted for the amount of youngsters on the forum and why some of the roleplaying of Elves and Dunedain owed more than a little to more contemporary movie heroes of the type played by muscley Austrians or martial arts enthusiasts. It was the latter canon that was pretty firmly tied into the Minas Tirith forum I accidently chose for myself.

 
It was the timeline that didn't help I think. At this stage all the kingdom areas of the site were roughly set in the Fourth Age - after the Lord of the Rings finished in other words, so the great city of Gondor was ruled over by Aragorn and Arwen Evenstar - well that's the roles the two moderators for the sub-forum had for their character identities for official purposes. That at least was understandable, but the entire atmosphere of the forum was still indefatigably military and the way it was run followed that theme through, so really wanting to be human there meant joining the army or allied trades, being a soldiers mum, wife, sister etc, or join the healers. Everywhere I 'went' - the activity threads and roleplay games, had wall to wall rules on how or what to post in them, or some kind of hierarchical path that you had to follow if it was the cavalry or a guild of some sort. Even if you were going in for the equivalent of social chatrooms, which were called pubs mostly, they had a set etiquette to be followed and although I 'got' that you were playing at being a human who belonged on the Streets of Minas Tirith, it all seemed very alien to me and those streets started looking more than a little mean.

I probably should have held back on joining a kingdom - stayed on as a 'new soul' - someone who didn't have any allegiances and could go anywhere, but part of the attraction for me then was to 'belong' somewhere after so long feeling like an alien in the real world. It was all about the fantasy then you see. This was a place I had loved for most of my life, even though it wasn't real. If I couldn't belong in a fantasy world, where else could it happen for me? Most people would have either laughed and said go with the flow, or have not seen the point of it all in the first place I suppose. But for me it was almost too serious - it had to be right and it had to feel real for me as well. I needed to belong somewhere that badly that I couldn't afford to get it too wrong, even at the beginning. The final straw for my Mannish forum career was when I looked at the Minas Tirith Bards and Story-tellers Guild. It had a definite collegiate leaning with masters and apprentices and exercises being given out, and that was the point that I gave up on Gondor and beat a very hasty retreat back to the Art and Fan-fiction forums with my tail firmly between my legs to have a big rethink about how to launch my roleplay character.
 
I'd already chosen my character name. Again, dear Éowyn figured and so I stuck Jan, my own name on the front of the 'owyn' and hey presto, Janowyn was born. Who was Janowyn then? She needed a backstory and, in classic forum tradition, demanded a suitably tortuous past and a sad tale to tell. So back to her roots in the name. One of her parents had to be from Rohan obviously. Well not obviously, but it was as good a starting point as any. Something I'd learned in those early days was that it was fun to weave your character story around the canon people and events in the books (or in the three films - there were people in there who only wanted to follow the movie canon to make things more difficult) and so, still wanting a connection somehow with Gondor even though I'd decided to leave there, I went off on a little journey of my own to places that I loved in Middle Earth. Two places immediately suggested themselves to me. Rivendell and Ithilien. The Rivendell in the film was a faithful interpretation of Tolkien's own mental model and the imagery was very strong in my head from both film and book as Elrond was one of my long-standing favourite characters. Ithilien held more to the book and the Éowyn effect was there in her romance with Faramir as they eventually became the Lord and Lady of Ithilien.
 
Another place floated into the equation, somewhat obscure in that it was never really covered too much in the main novels, but Dol Amroth was of suitable pedigree because it held one of the bloodlines of an elf and human intermarriage. Not a top notch alliance and not so well documented that it couldn't stand a little judicious tweaking, but it had noble credentials so I concocted a tragic little 'child of destiny' history for Janowyn, where her true parents were both closely linked to the princely house of Dol Amroth (not too close, from different times) and where her mother would meet the Lady of Ithilien and a man of Rohan in her service before the end of the War of the Ring in the Houses of Healing. And so it was that little Janowyn was born in the hour of the Dark Lord's final fall to a noble widowed mother and the battle-burned berserker from Rohan who, after the Battle of the Pellennor, had pulled the still pregnant lady from rubble in Minas Tirith and taken her to the Healers post haste, where she had had to be treated for a terrible injury dealt to her by a dire splinter of rusty iron from the mace of a Ringwraith! From downtrodden former civil servant to high drama and doom and in one fell swoop the chains dropped off! Yeah, right. I was on the right track though...
 
I wove a barely plausible little scenario involving wraith sorcery from the rusty splinter and, of course, the magic of athelas courtesy of the northern lord who had saved the City and claimed the long empty throne of Gondor, so that Jano turned out to be an elf and not a human baby as the elven elements in her bloodline triumphed over the evil magic that had killed off her human side. Preposterous nonsense I know, but I needed her to have some inner contention that rendered her an outcast from her human family and with no experience of her elven heritage - there were no elves living in Ithilien which is where Janowyn (Jano for short) was going to be brought up. The choice of having her as a bona fide half-elf wasn't an option I wanted ultimately, although plenty of people played them on the forums and had fun with it. That was purely down to my own preference for the canon of the books. I wanted Jano to be immortal you see and half-elves weren't, although they tended to live longer than humans and looked better for longer too. For some reason I needed Jano to be brought up totally by humans, but be wholly elven in the biological sense. It wasn't really that fully fleshed out - I just needed her to have to fight to find her place. The place I wanted her to find for herself was definitely in Rivendell, because it was the grandest and most elf-like of all the kingdoms. The two lady greeters I'd met in the newbie sorting halls had made their mark on me and it was a relief to find, after a rather more thorough skim through the roleplaying threads in the Rivendell forum, that playing in Elrond's gaffe was going to be a lot less structured and more fluid and forgiving for people who truly wanted to get under the skin of their inner elfie...
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Sep 2011 at 11:34am
*hugs*
 
Reading every line.
 
Random responses, ignore as necessary:-
 
Role-play terrifies us (yes, I mean you and me) more perhaps because we are so conscious of having played roles for so long.  Perfectly Normal Daughter, capable manager at work, excellent wife;  years of it.  And I could NEVER do those Training Roleplays, I was afraid something might slip out.
 
Poor Lady of Shallot, we all need to stop the bloody weaving, break the mirror, and float down the river (it need not lead to death, one could always SWIM) time and time again - but it's so scary. 
 
Kitty Kiss
 
 
Death comes to all
But great achievements raise a monument
Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
- George Fabricius, 'In Praise of Georgius Agricola'
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Sep 2011 at 1:45pm
That's the ticket! LOL It's interesting de-constructing this with me-me in the driving seat - at the time I was kind of conscious of all this but I hated me-me so much by then I was doing it from scratch almost literally with Jano!
 
Wait until I find the Rainbow! Wink
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Sep 2011 at 10:27pm

So there I was, newly signed-up for Imladris, looking fantastic - it's gooood to be an elf lady! - so what was next on the agenda? It was obviously harder than it looked this roleplay malarkey. The acronyms were confusing too with strange notices asking you to 'only post OOC in here please' or dire 'stay IC at all times' warnings writ large and in red bold caps at the top of every thread that looked to be hosting something it looked like I might enjoy; but it was at least a little easier to ask questions rather than having to dive straight in and get dragged off to volunteer to help muck out the Augean Stables, or some such little 'training' task which seemed to be the normal route for a newbie roleplayer to earn their spurs. By then I wasn't in such a hurry since I knew roughly what I wanted for Jano so I did something very forumish. I started stalking people. Well not exactly stalking, more following as it later became known on the even more sociable networks that were still in their pioneer days back then. The two nice lady Imladris-types I'd met in the newbie halls were very active in the Rivendell forum so I started to look at where they were posting and discovered there were different layers to every forum and some of them were like little club houses. In fact that's what they were called - houses. And so it was more in those less open and scary places that Jano began her career in achieving elfhood by stealth almost.

By then I'd managed to find a handy FAQ on the jargon so I didn't make such a show of myself. I at least knew what OOC and IC meant - out of character and in character of course! Oof! What a numbskull I was not to have sussed that out already... Once I'd got it into my head that it was really amateur dramatics online, that put things like thread protocols into perspective and getting to know whether I was 'backstage' or treading the boards at least. One of my kind greeters turned out to be a stupendously talented Bard, even though her IC was human - she was a genius at roleplay and a significant part of the inner circle belonging to the two moderators for the forum - the 'ladylords' Elrond and Glorfindel, who both happened to be female. They played the lords of Imladris for official purposes and, in the etiquette of the entire site, only they could play those two eminent canon characters. For those of you not familiar with Tolkien, Glorfindel was a big deal in the Silmarillion era and in fact was the hero who saved Elrond's daddy and then went and scared the bejasus out of the Lord of the Nazgûls in another timeline. Not a warrior to mess with in other words!


So I'd chosen a good role model for myself and it was in her house that Jano took her first, literally tottering steps, since it was a tree-house and at that time Jano wasn't that great at heights. In fact the first thing I did was to trip over somebody going into the house and therein hung the tale because he happened to be wearing Swan insignia, which sort of helped me blag my way into an admittedly gauche introduction, because the Swan was the heraldic emblem of the House of Dol Amroth. The one that Jano was supposedly related to and why she had come to Imladris - to try and find her kindred, the Nandor who had lived in the area before Men had built the City by the Sea. Turned out the ellon (that's a male elf in Sindarin, one of Tolkien's elven languages) I'd tripped over in the dark wasn't from those particular woods at all, but it was enough to get me started as he was very kind to Jano. Patted her down and gallantly looked after her when the rest of the room went back to their singing and chatting. A small, rather awkward but endearing entree into the wonderful world of roleplay. Jano sat down on a floor cushion beside the kind and much older man (she was just a baby still at two hundred and fifty years of age) and listened to the stories people were telling and the music they were playing with wide eyes and a thumping, excited heartbeat as she gave me my first glimpse of the world we'd just walked into together.

We were enchanted. Jano was very shy and really overwhelmed at first. After that first little piece of whimsy she contented herself with hanging around in the Library and doing 'easy' threads like the feasts which were largely all about meeting people and pretending to eat and drink at a feast - Rivendell called their pubs feasts in other words and really it was a chatroom for your character. My friend from the tree-house was there and so were people I had seen and posted to in the art and writing forums so, having talked to them IRL - in real life as themselves - I got to know their characters as well. I met up with the other lady from the newbie halls and she became my unofficial guide to the marketplace where we had great fun running around causing mild havoc and I got to know some more people, whilst Jano got herself some new clothes - she was rather a tomboy and didn't go in for dresses too much, since she'd led a solitary life down in Ithilien after losing her human family. In Imladris she really needed some posh frocks for all these feasts of course. You get the picture - it was all 'let's pretend' games, but it was lovely to do this with other people, or even on my own, because the creators of the forum had built up an infrastructure where you could hop from thread to thread and have your character experience life as an elf in various situations or places, which were based on the book, or the films, or both. The ambience I so craved that had been lacking in Minas Tirith was there in shedloads in the Last Homely House of Elrond Peredhel. It felt marvellous to explore a place I already loved like this, writing down my reactions and thoughts as Jano took it all in with mounting excitement as she realised she might have found her true home at last.

 
 
Cumulative word count: 6,688
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Sep 2011 at 4:21pm
amateur dramatics online Wink
 
Ah, the good old Arpy days (get me, I didn't even know that lol = LOL)
 
Can this shy elleth be she who later tucked me under her expert wing and saved Saranna from countless really, really embarrassing situations????? That's really very encouraging.  And yes, it's great to be an elf - so much taller for one thing *sigh*................ 
 
Word count of words that count is getting really impressive Smile
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Sep 2011 at 11:29pm
I didn't notice you'd posted that last one! Embarrassed Was too busy putting myself in the psyche of a 15 year old mass murderer - such fun! Wacko
 
Actually it was in a way - that's the true beauty of RP, 'cos it lets you do things you never could in RL, even in am-drams. I really couldn't do that 'live' I don't think, but I guess it's a valid therapy for my kind of depression at least - and my kind of writing too, because writing for Sophie's like writing for Jano in a way. You set the scene up, you decide what your attitude would be and then you play without the inconvenience of other people putting their oars in and taking you away from what you want to focus on.
 
So not RL, but one where you can call some of the shots at least and put in obstacles you can work at to make it interesting. Sometimes the characters take over, like Luey did for Sophie the other day and Verity as an antagonistic protagonist for the teen killer in the part I've just sent you and they turn out to be far more interesting than the ones you thought you'd be writing about. That's the interesting part anyway - where the story takes you somewhere unexpected, even though you're supposed to be controlling it. Even if I never get published this all has been worthwhile for me anyway Thumbs Up
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Sep 2011 at 10:49am
I shall have to be brave and look at why the Saranna in my fic is the way she is - she really annoys me in so many ways, she's got this drippy idealism which is only half-explicable by her being half-immortal, and being partly a younger moi.  Shall have to get back to fic sometime, but the seam of non-fic is still going pretty well.......................  I can put some of the stuff into the collection as long as otherauthor agrees but he's just moved house and hasn't finished unpacking so I guess I'll wait a bit.  Maybe I can tackle that after the current NF is done.................. I seem to have started using.............. a lot, am I feeling life is more provisional than it used to be? Geek
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Sep 2011 at 12:17pm
No - it's just buying you thinking time... Wink That's always good so don't worry - and people use hmmmm.... and uhhh....... or erm....... all the time when they talk don't they LOL
 
Do what comes naturally.... ummmm.... yeah.... Whistle
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Sep 2011 at 12:32pm
Er................... hokay den........................... Big smile
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Nov 2011 at 12:32am

Time for another poem I think. I said that I'd never written poetry 'for pleasure' before this didn't I?  The scare quotes say it all really. Writing poetry, for me needs some great effort or emotion to be upon me and the reason I'd rarely written poems, except when I had to in school, is that I'm not naturally a great one for high and lows of verbiage. Orally anyway and although I always could and did express myself well in writing, prose was always my weapon of choice. Weapon is not an odd word for me to choose either. Hold that thought and I'll get back to it soon. Poem first - of the same ilk I began with...

Lost and Found

Lost in fog. Unheard. Unseen.
No beginnings and no end.
All obscured in grey sorrow and soft tears.
It matters not if I am still
or walk aimlessly. To nowhere.
Towards nobody. Nothing will matter here.
Not action. Not speech. Not purpose.
There is nothing. Just the fog and me.

It lifts a little. Now and then.
The fog. And the light will enter.
If I let it? If I want it?
Is there a way to let it in?
I can find a reason given time.
If I want to. If I let myself think.

And then the wind changes, fresh and cruel.
It blows the fog away and I am exposed
to others view. Still lonely. Still silent.
Just not alone. I want to move but can’t.
Too hard. Too fast. Too soon.
I drift along to others speech.
Just listening. Just thinking. Just quiet.
I feel life around me, but not within.

And then I see you and hear your words,
as light does enter, and I let it,
and I want it more than I can say.
I find a reason to take your hand.
And another to follow where you lead.
Because I want to… now you have found me.

As Jano grew more confident in the bardic skills she was writing as much for real life me as herself and this particular avenue of internalising was something that couldn't be kept at bay at times. I came to call them my 'fantasy suicide notes' (although this one isn't really because as you can tell by the final verse, it contains the hope that I'd discovered that had been so obviously absent in Dreamless Roads) and their source was always ambiguous because even then Jano was still me but freed I suppose. The weapon thing? It comes down to courage I suppose? I had very little confidence left perhaps, but in a way I think I never had much for myself in the singular.

I'd never really been on my own, coming from a family of four girls and being the eldest from age two; then a Roman Catholic schooling where self was most definitely viewed as selfish and too much pride in yourself as positively sinful; marriage far too young (mea culpa - I wanted to, no one twisted my arm) and then a career in the civil service where I was destined to thrive in teams meant that I'd not really had any time to spend in my sole company in the solid physical sense. Yet there I was on the threads choosing to become a character who had almost gone insane with loneliness in self-imposed mourning for about one hundred and fifty years...

Like I said I was sick and although I could have done anything with Jano I really needed her that isolated and forlorn because that was how I felt in my head for real. I'd gone through the motions for so long and so thoroughly that nothing and nobody could touch me. Literally. In and out of fantasy I felt alienated and alone, but on the board at least Jano chose to leave that insular life and go out to find her kin. Finding her roots if you like. She actually went to the wrong place in a way. She should have gone to the woods, but the Lothlórien of the board didn't have the gravitas I craved and, for me, Imladris was the place of learning and union rather than memory and power. Elrond was beckoning also and the fact that he was primarily a healer I think is what swung it for me because of course, like me, that is what Jano needed most.

 

Cumulative word count 7426

 
Just keeping score there - more to come but it's late and this is already a re-write as it was far too RL before Wacko
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Nov 2011 at 12:11pm
I've heard of that fog from others..........
 
Been in a lighter mist myself.........
 
Hard to predict what will lift, any more than really understanding all this things that bring it down.
 
Sun is shining today Smile
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Nov 2011 at 10:22pm

Jano however, had more than an inkling of how she could heal the gaping voids in her life that had been created by growing up in the wrong place with the wrong family. I was still looking around with a mostly open mind, but the art and fan-fiction were beckoning like crazy by then and I'd begun to expand on my following habit to include the art thread runner in Imladris, a rather severe and ascetic male elf going by the name of Daemen. Now, if there was one thing lacking in Imladris it was that there was a dearth of actual male players, by which I mean that there were of course male characters, but a fair proportion of those were played by ladies. And there were a lot of young players around so when I checked out Daemen's bio I discovered that he was indeed a male and around the same age as real life me. He was also a creative type (naturally as he curated the art thread) and although Scandinavian wrote poetry in English like a... well, like a bard. A Norse one.

 

I was posting in the Imladris art thread as well and really it all seemed like a natural progression for Jano to start hanging around the art guild more and start talking to Daemen there, about the art and then 'noticing' where he went when he wasn't curating. One of the places he went to a lot was the Bards' house - one of those more cloistered places out of the main forum, quieter and more scaled to specific pursuits and so Jano ended up one day literally cooling her heels in the River Loudwater and contemplating calling in at the Bards' favourite hangout The Rainbow Inn, only to find that nobody was there except for Daemen who was sleeping off a rather vexed excursion to Mordor in pursuit of some fascinating death-dancer desert maid.

 

At that stage Jano was looking for friends and family rather than something more romantic so having posted peeking in at the scary curator and going back to the river she just waited around to see what would happen. That's really where Jano took flight, fairly naturally, making friends with him away from the guild as well, talking and finding out more about each other on thread and off by email and then instant messaging and suddenly I had something I'd never really had before. Somebody I connected with creatively. Daemen's English was pretty much perfect and, for me it was his words rather than his images that spoke volumes to Jano and to me and the feeling was reciprocated to the point where we'd barely known each other for a couple of weeks before he'd recruited me as his co-curator and we were both hitting the crest of big beautiful artistic wave with accolades coming in from the ladylords and the Bards as we were both admitted into the Bards Guild as well.

 

Off forum we were hitting the heights too. We were a mutual appreciation club talking about art and writing and the roleplay... It was exquisite for the most part. At first it was a brother and sister thing - that's really all Jano wanted in her hero-worshipping of Daemen, but gradually as we got closer and closer with plans for the art guild and ideas for games and activities we were talking to each other on Messenger almost constantly throughout the day. It became plainer by the minute that Jano and Daemen both wanted more than sibling warmth from each other and away from Rivendell we were pressing all kinds of buttons neither of us had had pressed for a long time or ever, certainly on my part. I didn't really ever know about his side of things, even with the advantage of hindsight, but what we shared in those first heady days was marvellous and so fulfilling that we were both pulled along together into ever-deepening admiration for each other. We blurred the lines between fantasy and real friendship and it felt so wonderful that I couldn't stop what had become a dam-burst of genuine and at first virtually pure passion after years of living in an emotional wasteland. I had no defences in other words and by then I wanted the ride too much.

 

The real life Daemen was supposedly single as well. To this day I don't know if he was spinning me a line or telling the truth. I wasn't at liberty as they say, but by then I may as well have been. I was looking for company, even if it was sub-consciously and with the amount of bonding we were doing on the creative front, it was almost inevitable that we would take it to the next level. We were reasonably honest with each other. I was anyway. I tried to keep it to the fantasy, so we could be Jano and Daemen, not Jan and Fred, but he wanted the reality more and by that time I was so far gone I couldn't deny him a single thing, because he'd literally enthralled me and was at least as fascinated with me and what we were capable of together. The cyber-sex was cosmic, but that was almost the least of it, because on thread Jano and Daemen were just about perfect for each other together and it all felt so damned 'right'.

 

 

Cumulative word count 8325

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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Nov 2011 at 2:37pm
Yeah, have to admit it did (tell me to butt out if I'm bugging you but I am so much enjoying this and it seems rude not to comment on it!)
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2011 at 8:20pm
Sorrry - haven't been in here since Ireland Embarrassed
 
Well I'm glad to have someone confirm the on thread side of it independently - I thought I was going mad and had imagined it big time when it all unravelled in kingdom Wacko
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2011 at 12:26pm
Gosh it was all very intense at the time - I used to worry....................... but now I just fret Wink
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2011 at 12:50pm
The Truth Will Make You Fret - as a wise man once said Wink
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Nov 2011 at 3:28pm
What a true truth that is! Approve
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Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2011 at 12:28am

This is as much about creativity as fantasy and Jano was the central pillar of this epiphany and so the most precious aspect of it all was the expressive voice she and I found within the Bards Guild and our verse which wasn't solely focused on the forum but certainly began on there. So it's time for another bit of poetry which will seem very frivolous in comparison with the others so far, but that too was marvellous, because this one summed up what Jano was in those first heady days when Daemen was a big, much-admired brother figure.

An Elf of many parts

My skill with a brush paints a thousand words of meaning,
And as it’s you that’s asking, of course I’ll do the cleaning.

I could be your little sister, all fun and bright and cute,
But remember I’m a maiden, 'though you’ve seen my birthday suit!

I will tell you all my stories, of passion and of might,
As you like this skill and show it, you may kiss and hold me tight.

For now, I’m still your virgin goddess, but my heart commands my head,
And I love to touch and know you, please come warm my lonely bed.


What a bold strap! It described various things that were happening 'domestically' in the Art Guild especially, but also romantically with silly in-jokes about Jano having to polish the frames. Because the forum was a PG 13 paradise nothing too racy happened on the threads and so that version wasn't the one that got posted in my poetry thread. 
Daemen was charmed with all the versions of that one anyway, but this was his favourite. Which makes it all the more tragic that really the last Jano and Daemen (as a couple) verse came along not that long afterwards, although the ties and loyalties remained rock steady for several years after the dream crumbled away. It was loosely based on a roleplay that we did as a 3-hander with the daring and very perverse death-dancer and, as you'll see, Jano knew her heart would be broken, but in some respects it really didn't matter because she had also grown strong in spite of the pain.

Sand

Love rose first in heat and harshness,
fiery and unwanted, burning to the truth.
A fantasy of kinship for shared passions fled
As I watched him look to another’s bond - for desire
and for completion. My heart’s gift for him died unborn.

And when all hope had burned away
leaving dry red pain behind, the winds blew me far away
to grief, destruction and the loneliness of time.
Stripped of hope yet facing fear, I turned once more.
I could not leave him. Should not. Would not. Did not.

Instead he fled from all he knew, chasing shadows of features
loved, yet not loving in return. We both could not win or keep
our dearest need and love. I ached for his return as he caressed
his own fantasy and dreams to no avail, or so it seemed to me.
And so I wait, my tear-stained love drying on the sand, for him to find his way.


We waited for a better time. Wanting or remembering the 'love' with honour, but needing the friendship, or to be completely clear, the affinity even more. That was the glue that stopped us going our separate ways, even though 
Daemen the real life artist turned out to have feet of clay, because together we created magic and for me, deprived of passion for so long, he was the inspiration and motivation for the artistic outpouring. I was lost in creative fulfilment after so long and even though he couldn't match me in some respects, the relationship didn't call for us to be lovers in or out of fantasy, we just needed to be together in a shared ideal that centred on being Bards.

Looking back on 'our time' six years down the line, I should probably feel a lot more bitter than I am about it all, but I don't regret a thing from those first months, because he figuratively hauled me out of the black depths and proved that I did still have emotions and energies that I'd let lapse into dormancy. He gave me back feelings and hopes I'd abandoned in fits and starts over the years and got me articulating and wanting to experience delight and a freedom I thought was lost to me forever. So, although I can't forget, I can forgive the lies and the shutting down, because what he gave me was far more valuable. He gave me back myself. And, more than anything else he gave me the words. All kinds of them to use in ways I would never have attempted if I hadn't known him.

These are some more that owe more to the real world and my experience of him, rather than Jano's, though they worked for her as well. For a while anyway.

Close call?

I feel you so close – yet you are far away.
I reach toward you in my mind and sigh
My need for you, all night, all day.
I feel the fever and want you all the time.
You give me joy unstinting, yet I fear I’ll get
Too close for comfort and drive us both apart.

You are the candle to my moth, my fantasy,
Both light and heat. Forbidden. Free-falling
In passion and desire. I call you friend but feel
That you are so much more. And I know
I get too close for comfort, the more we learn
Each other, across the cold, wild sea.

So maybe it is best to have this distance.
Close enough in fascination and dreams
Of beauty and illusion shared, defined
Only by our boundless fantasies. So close.
So close my dear, as our passion climbs -
Unless? Until? We get too close to find our comfort?


Cumulative word count 9307
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2011 at 4:14pm
Yes to all of that.
Death comes to all
But great achievements raise a monument
Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
- George Fabricius, 'In Praise of Georgius Agricola'
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2011 at 9:26pm
Smile Is good to get that out - a couple of weeks back even I was still really angry with him being unable to just tell me about his wife, because it was so obvious she figured so much still for him, whether or not he'd lied to me about being a widower.
 
He would never say so I still don't know for certain whether this poor woman had been terminally ill (the 'official' version), or they'd split up  in some way, or he was simply getting kicks he didn't get from her, but still loved her. If he'd simply been able to say 'I'm still married' it would all have made sense and we could have got on with being partners artistically, which is effectively how we functioned and then I could have backed off right away on the romance all over, because it wouldn't really have mattered in the slightest by then.
 
What I think he liked most about the relationship we developed, was that he was the hero lover/brother/platonic soulmate and anything that knocked him off that pedestal even slightly was intolerable for him, because he had no ammunition at all to take down my side of the construction, because I'd been unable to keep anything back from him after years of keeping the lid down on everything I had and felt. Even on the subject of faithfulness (lack thereof maritally) I'd been brutally open about my side of things and he knew how much I valued what he'd released in me.  He just had to keep to the story he'd given me and flatly refused to confirm or deny it, because the truth would make him or Daemen a fraud and that was what he really couldn't handle? As it was things died away naturally through my choosing to let him do all the running in the areas we still kept in contact and so, when he was posted abroad (he was in the forces), it all naturally fizzled away to nothing and although I worried that he might have been hurt out there, I had no way to get in touch with him on the terms we'd slipped into so by the time I found out he was back from the tour of duty I was simply glad to know he was safe, even if he hadn't contacted me.
 
Facebook was always a venue I shied away from with him and he kind of did the same with me in that he didn't invite me and I didn't ask to be, but when I did decide to register personally in relation to DreamWorlds his name cropped up as a contact I could add and so of course I did, eager to find out how he'd got on out east. And the Wall gives all kinds of info including the fact that he's married to the dead woman he was married to in 'our' world. So I had my answer one way or another even if I didn't know the exact truth.
 
This isn't going in the story because that's mine and Jano's and so it's not going to be all about him in real life, because he didn't exist for me there. Didn't want to on his own behalf, although he'd been keen for us to meet up in real life in those first months, so another nail in his hero-figure coffin if he wasn't widowed. He was my friend in fantasy and for real though, despite the deceptions and nothing can take the gloss from what he gave to me on the Plaza and in our hearts (again mine and Jano's). I'm glad I met him and I'm glad I loved him because I wouldn't be where I am now without all that. Fantasies are always better for a little tragedy after all and really anything negative is all on his side, because if he'd truly wanted the dream then he'd have had so much more than he got trying to be something he knew he wasn't. Nice moral that - perhaps that'll go in at least. Wink
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Dec 2011 at 12:26pm
 Bell So many bells ringing...................
 
Not everything is all good or all bad - but then you know that.  Why do so many people not know?
 






Death comes to all
But great achievements raise a monument
Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
- George Fabricius, 'In Praise of Georgius Agricola'
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Dec 2011 at 3:00pm

And of course in my elfin persona that was prophetic, but Daemen had given Jano almost everything she had wanted when she had left her old home in despair of ever finding a home and people to love again. In forum terms Daemen pushed Jano back from the threshold of marriage because he had found another human love interest, his 'Andreth'. Further irony poured down on Jano because actually I was fulfilling this function for him back on Planet Earth, in being a woman he could play out his Finrod Felagund fixation for real. Again, for people not familiar with Middle Earth iconography Finrod, the elf prince and Andreth, the mortal woman were sages from an earlier Arda. They were platonic friends who liked to philosophise together on the similarities and differences between the two kindreds, the Children of Iluvatar, mortal and immortal, but alike in enough ways for there to be love between and children of fate born to some of them.

But consummate love was not possible for  poor Andreth and Finrod's brother, Aegnor. They were star-crossed lovers who could never be together because pragmatic warrior-elf Aegnor knew that he'd lose her to death for real, as her soul would leave the Halls of Mandos without reincarnating and so there could be no eternal future for them. The problem with mortals for elves is that they mate for life - imagine having your one true love leaving you after a brief season and then spending forever mourning them. For all but the most exalted lovers of high destiny this was not a great deal on the elven side at least. So Andreth and Aegnor mutually agreed to pass on couple-hood, because they couldn't bear to be near each other if they couldn't have it all without the very final heartache at the end of it. She couldn't ask it of him and he couldn't cope with seeing her again, so big brother Finrod stepped in to provide some succour to both of them as a friend and kinsman and in the process had some very interesting discussions with the lady about the history of Men and where they went to when they fell victim to mortality and so laid the groundwork for the really grand Tolkien romances that led in time to Aragorn and Arwen Evenstar in the Lord of the Rings.

For 
Daemen, Jano with an elven nature, but a mortal upbringing had held much fascination, but when the deal with his flighty death dancer went sour another mortal lady player stepped into the equation and was more temperamentally suited to the cool, but with hidden fires Andreth character profile and so off he went cradle-snatching and do what Aegnor wouldn't and stay young and virile whilst his mate grew wrinkles and developed arthritis and other amusing mortal traits that elves just don't do. Yes, that's the thing see - Aegnor was really being a true gentle-elf, whilst being just a teensy bit cowardly in suspecting that he'd not be able to cope with seeing his beautiful, dark-eyed young paramour grow old. Daemen was up to that challenge and got nagged constantly by his mortal wife even before she was officially old enough to be a grumpy crotchety old woman.

Jano knew all about that of course - hadn't she lost all her family to the human condition and didn't she know how much it hurt once they were gone and that was it. Finito. So she backed off and reverted to staunch sisterhood and tried to be a perfect lady about it with her new sister-in-law, ready to step back in to comfort 
Daemen when the inevitable happened. Now therein hangs a tale too. Jano did get on with Daemen's mate mostly and so did I at first. She was a woman of much experience shall we say, but didn't have quite such a good grasp of living the fantasy as Jano, although she actually handled it better in the real world than I did. Daemen had a much better deal from Jano in the fantasy world, but his wife was very good at the game of let's pretend and could slip in and out of her version of the arrangement very adeptly. She hurt us both, Jano and Daemen and Fred and Jan because she ran rings around us causing rows in the dream and discord in reality. She was jealous of the intensity he had with me and I was angry with her for messing us both around so much in and out of the game, so we didn't get on in the long term and he had a wretched time of it trying to keep us both 'straight'. In the end I solved the problem for him on forum by being what he wanted me to be, although that ended with him feeling too bad to go near little sister Jano because he got so much flak for it from his 'wife'. Gradually it got so bad he stopped posting and eventually left the forum more or less because it was so uncomfortable for him not being able to play with me. I was furious with her and irritated with him for letting her manipulate him so much, so out in the real world of Messenger and emails I just refused to have anything to do with her in the end as she proved herself a very fair weather friend to us both there as well. And that was the end of Jano's first love. Luckily there was a second love not too far away and in him she found everything she'd imagined in a lifemate and more besides.

In the time honoured tradition of fan forums Jano's new elf was played by another lady and as a result this time around it was a lot less complicated and lot more fun. Also it was even better in terms of ability as Jano's new partner Silen Aranor was the twin brother of a former leader of the Bard's Guild, Galen Aranor. Silen's writer complemented me perfectly. It wasn't quite the same 'fit' as with 
Daemen as she was a painter but man could Jano and Silen fly together as Bards, although strictly Silen was more of a performer, loving to play and dance and sing like a proper Wood Elf. Jano was completely blown away this time. No more dark brooding big brother with uncertain moods and cool putdowns when she got too boisterous - this elf positively threw himself into sensations and living in the moment and really appreciated the open nature and spontaneity that Jano had picked up from the brief-spanned Secondborn. They 'clicked' mutually at once, even though they were put together deliberately when Galen and I were chatting out of character one day and I was bemoaning how there didn't seem to be any character in Imladris who would suit Jano as well as Daemen. When Galen said she had this twin brother not doing much so would I like to see how he 'got on' with Jano, I nearly had her arm off at the shoulder I was so excited. And so a new era began for Jano with a 'proper' love interest who finally appreciated her for what she was and would never, ever leave her because they were in fact a perfect match - even their arguments were magnificent because the making up was the stuff of legends!

That's sort of the happy ending for Jano although she's still around with Silen and they'll be getting around to having a big fat elven wedding and raising lots of little elves of their own, but the Bard will go on to other things and different places. This is what I meant about not regretting what happened with 
Daemen. Together he and Jano 'mended' me. The real me who got buried under the detritus of the mundane and the lost hopes and all the deviations and compromises of a life that loses its way on the Dreamless Roads. Did I ever explain what they are? Silly me.

Being immortal the elves are blessed with a naturally strong physical constitution in that they're not prone to illness or disease in the same way that they don't die like mortals. Their bodies can be killed as they will die in battle, or burn or even grieve to death (generally because their lifemate has died as well). But their spirits don't die and so they go to the Halls of Mandos to 'rest' and most eventually will want to take up a new body which is supplied to them by the Ainur in Valinor. That's what sailing west is all about - going to their paradise on earth. Valinor is where they are reunited with their 'lost' wives and husbands, friends and relatives, which is why marrying a mortal is so traumatic for an elf, because that can't then happen. Men and Elves are ultimately incompatible as mates because of the disparity in the regeneration stakes. The other flip side of being so healthy in normal life is that elves are stronger in general than humans and have even better stamina in that they can go without sleep for much longer.

However, not being able to shut off the brain is a problem, as any insomniac knows to their cost and so this is the reason why I needed to be an elf so badly, without even knowing it. Instead of sleeping like a human, when an elf needs their brain to shut up and leave them alone for a bit they go into a kind of trance where they can carry on walking or talking or doing whatever they need to do, but their minds will go off into a kind of enhanced daydream realm where they'll refresh themselves mentally with memories, or exploring some creative construction that will absorb their thoughts for hours at a time until they're ready to re-engage with their body again. A very neat trick indeed and an oddly therapeutic one.

Obviously for me, being an elf was a very rewarding experience. The confidence I developed on the roleplay side of things went far deeper than fantasy and acting out helped me find ways to reintegrate a creative life that for so long I hadn't realised I needed. The better and stronger I got on thread, the happier I became in the real world as the energy I got from writing and drawing helped me through the tough times I was having back in the real world. Developing Jano came to be a form of self-healing, or perhaps a rediscovery is a better description? Whatever, she was good for me and I loved exploring her, even when it became obvious that she'd been there all along. The me I wanted to be.

Nearly done now, but time for one last poem. The jewel in Jano's bardic crown and my 'bounty' for finding her in Middle Earth. Jano's human heritage was there because it was my way of exploring the grand romances of Beren and Lúthien, Idril and Tuor, Eärendil and Elwing, Aragorn and Arwen and, yes, Aegnor and Andreth - the fate of the two kindreds. Eärendil and Elwing though - they fascinated me more than any other of those fated pairings, because together they were a kind of redemptive duality, saving both Men and Elves from the yoke of terror of the ultimate Dark Lord. Again it's 
Daemen that supplied the creative fuel for this as it was something that was built in the early days and I wrote it for him as much as Jano, superimposed on the two principals. It scared real Daemen to death I think, although he admired it enormously, because it was the first really big manifestation of what Jano could be and was obviously showing how in love she really was with him. Everybody, in or out of character loved it anyway, because it 'spun the magic' as our Lord Elrond moderator used to say. Put warm, passionate flesh on the bare bones of the legend in the Silmarillion.

Beloved Jewel...

He is far from me, yet within my heart
and so fills all my senses with his love.
I watch the ocean move and see him breathe
easy and light beneath the dawning and the dusk
in time with the dark green rise and fall of waves.
I wait so long, trusting to his courage and our great hope.
Even as fate and horror stalk our land - I leap in faith
into the deep, the glowing jewel of our love upon my breast.

My love rises high, silver-grey and white. Light as salty air
and flies into my arms, unlooked for, yet so desired.
I take her gently in my arms and hold her close - as I dare
to hope that this time we shall not be parted in my life.
As the red dawn brings her wholly back to me, I hold her yet
knowing we have no words left to say. We have our love
to hold us fast now, both knowing it is strong and perfect
as she binds the shining jewel of our love upon my brow.

My Beloved bids me to wait for him upon the sands
of this strange land that called us both in hope
and fear. We are not free to be together yet
but our love’s fair jewel sends out its brilliant gleam
still stronger, as he seeks our people’s destiny
and their salvation on those shores we left behind.
For us there will be no rest, until the jewel of our love
casts its soft and gentle light on every corner of the world.


Once more, my Beloved flies to me as I descend the heavens,
homeward bound. Falling landwards we both embrace
and whisper our love soft on lips like silk. The separation
feeds our desire and we sigh as her soft wings enfold me.
Bound together now, we rise and fall as one upon a vessel
of pearly light and glimmering dust of Elven-gems, returned
each day anew from a star-blown ocean, high above the world,
serene and at peace. The Great Jewel of our love, shining through...

Eärendil and Elwing, the Peredhels. Half Elves of the lines of Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, and Idril Silver Foot of the Noldor. Parents of Elrond and Elros, father of the House of Númenor. The lovers who transcended their mortality in return for the restoration of one of the Great Jewels to the whole of Arda.

Magic always happens for a reason, wherever and however it is created. Inside the fantasy, or springing from it...

 
Word count: 11757
 
The end! This does need a seriously thorough edit I think as I'm sure some things got repeated or regurgitated in places. Quite pleased with it anyway LOL
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Saranna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Dec 2011 at 12:26pm
Well!  As someone once said, the great tales don't never end and here you are in the same one........... well written medear.
 
Blog - must consult you on the blog in a more appropriate thread..............
Death comes to all
But great achievements raise a monument
Which shall endure until the sun grows cold.
- George Fabricius, 'In Praise of Georgius Agricola'
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