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Please be kind!

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Dagrun View Drop Down
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  Quote Dagrun Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Please be kind!
    Posted: 29 Mar 2010 at 1:24pm
The following story is a send up. I have written many on main detectives. I have also written hundreds of stories relating to the Fardelshire and this is but one. As you know, a Fardle is a burden or a bundle. My friend was suffering from cancer and she would say it was a burden. Hence the Title. I wrote them to cheer her up when she was sad and down.  The Fardleshire is a parallel land where nothing is as seems, entendres are everywhere, nothing is PC and topsy turvy is considered normal.
 
THE RODAN T GUANO AFFAIR - A Miss Marbles Mystery
 
Miss Marbles opened the envelope and took out the card. Dear Mr Earole, how kind of him to have remembered her anniversay of discovering the murderer of that rather tasty Spaniard chappie! Ah, she could recall it as if it was yesterday!
 
Rodan T Guano was the gardener at Major Boo-Upps in St Augustus Barnett and had been so for a year or two before the dreadful event. Thus it ever was that he was found dead and, more worryingly, discumknockerated to boot.
 
Miss Marbles had got there before the local fuzz, as was usual, and had noticed the footprints leading back towards the house and the main drawing room. The mud footmarks went up towards the loft and then onto the roof. There, amongt the dahlias laying face down was Major Boo-Upp. No, the poor old thing couldn't have done the deed they were not called the Boo-Upps for nothing. The family were famous for it.  No, perhaps the old stick had found Rodan T Guano and had legged it and chased onto the roof. But, there was only one set of footprints, she pondered, as she made her way down the very muddy steps and bumping onto Mrs Hogwash, the cook.
"Ah, my dear! You wouldn't know if the Major was alone this morning?"
"Yes ma'am, only Rodan T Guano and myself in the shed."
"Oh, so you were in the shed with the Gardener?"
"Yes, but keep it quiet, we don't want everyone to know!"
"And did the Gardener know you were in there with him?"
"I should hope so!"
"And were you both alone together, so to speak?"
"Yes Ma'am!"
"Certain?"
"Yes!"
"Final answer?"
"Yes"
"Drat! and double drat!" She went home in a bad temper, kicking every cat that crossed her path. Even though she wet the long way home there had only been the one moggy and she was not a happy old busy body when she slammed the door of her, picturesque, cottage door. There had to be a clue somewhere, she thought as she laced her tea liberally with brandy. Miss Marbles mulled over her cup until she fell asleep, slightly inebriated.
When she woke up the matter was as clear as the mud on the  Hall's floor. She raced sadately up to the big house and pushed aside the young copper whop was ineffectually barring the front door. "Cooee, Inspector!" and a groan echoed down to her. "Oh good, you are there!" she stated obviously as he came down to join her and she went up. They both met two steps from the middle. "I was here earlier dear! Hence I know more than  you! Mrs Hogwash, the cook, was having a Couer de Amour with the gardener Senor Guano. Someone knew and it had to be Lucas the butler who buttled a little too much for my liking, but that is My preference. He is always where he shouldn't be and that was why he was where he shouldn't have been when he should have been elsewhere! He however, had nothing to do with it as he had left the house weeks since!
Clear? Good!" The poor detective (proper) was so confused that he just nodded and let her continue - nothing wouyld have stopped the old bag anyway! "Now, he fancied Mrs Hogwash but she didn't fancy him. You could tell this by the way she spilt the soup down his tie when serving up.  The cook wanted to elope to Spain with the gardener and start a new life in a sleepy fishing village called Benihill or something similar. It's all in the diary posted through my letterbox this afternoon. I found it after my usual nap." She handed over the diary and made to leave.
"Miss Marbles, wait!" cried the confused detective. "How do you know all this? - no, don't tell me, you read the diary before coming here, didn't you?"
"Dear, sweet, simple Dtective, how right you are!You must learn to speed read! An absolute must! See page twenty five, paragraph nine, line twelve, three words from the full stop"
"Page twenty five paragraph nine, line twelve three words from the full stop?!"
"Well dear, at least you have a good memory!" and she walked off in her prissy little way.
"Do you know, Grubbins, that old girl gets it right first time when we spend days, weeks,years trying to locate someone!Do you reckon She did it?"
"No, Sir, not that sweet old biddy! What's in the paragraph?" asked the honest sargeant.
"The Detective flicked through the diary trying not to be side lined by the more lurid bits. "It
says here;
 
The Deigo twit is having it off with Mrs Hogwash and I can not see! The Major is in the way and, why is he heading to the shed in such a fancy manner? I'll not stand for it so I'll sit down and fire the blowpipe from the lounge window! Damn, they are all at it like rodents now! Oh, well, lts time to get on with it! There, all done! Oh look!, here comes the Major and in a lather too! Oh dear, Mrs Hogwash does look bothered-oh heck, here comes that interfering old biddy from the village. Better make myself scarce!
 
"Blimey!" he said as he read the name of the diary's owner. "It belongs to Mr Justice
Unlikely from Upper Drakes Bottom!"
"He is due to fly to Argentina for a three week course in "The law in a Junta state" on this day at twelve thirty five and ten seconds eactly!in exactly!" Said the Sarge. He looked abashed. "I am somewhat friendly with the maid!"
"Then we have lost him unless the old bag has got to Blackbushe airport before us!" He gazed at his sargeant, who returned the look. "No, she wouldn't  have - would she?"
and they made there way under siren to Blackbushe airport in the fog, past a bus containg Frankie howard and some other well known actors to find Miss Marbles leading the strapping figure of ex wrestler and now Judge Justice Unlikely to the gate. "Yes!" sighed the detective " You'll get the credits!" and he arrested the Judge for killing a Spaniard and making a twit jump off the roof in panic.
 
Ah yes, thought Miss Marbles, as she made a cup of tea and read the words of Congratulations which must have come very hard for the Belgian detective to have written. How nice and she bagan to wonder what her maid had made for tea!
Blod skal være min endelige prisen!
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Quark View Drop Down
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  Quote Quark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Mar 2010 at 3:17pm
That looks really good! :) There are a few misprints but I'm sure they're just accidents.
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Jano View Drop Down
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Mar 2010 at 3:52pm
LOL Well done meerkat. Brightened up my day that, so thanks for sharing - love Miss Marple to bits but she is v. annoying too, so I did sympathise with the Detective!  Evil Smile
 
The Word Smithy forum offers edit & proofing as well as review services, so if you want we can pick up your typos etc - either by re-posting in here or by PM if you prefer? NP if you pass on that though Wink
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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  Quote Dagrun Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Mar 2010 at 4:52pm
Originally posted by Jano

LOL Well done meerkat. Brightened up my day that, so thanks for sharing - love Miss Marple to bits but she is v. annoying too, so I did sympathise with the Detective!  Evil Smile
 
The Word Smithy forum offers edit & proofing as well as review services, so if you want we can pick up your typos etc - either by re-posting in here or by PM if you prefer? NP if you pass on that though Wink
i think it is my typing! Some of it is meant to be like that, so it's a bit hit and miss proofing wise. 
 
This is the quiet stuff, it's when I turn into the Ace reporter D'Arcy T'Arcy it goes really crazy!
 
 
Blod skal være min endelige prisen!
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  Quote Doughnut Jimmy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Mar 2010 at 9:22pm
Nice one, Agatha Christie is fun to read but just asking to be sent up Smile
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  Quote Dagrun Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Mar 2010 at 10:24pm
Originally posted by Doughnut Jimmy

Nice one, Agatha Christie is fun to read but just asking to be sent up Smile
 
Thanks DJ, I'll post one  of my Urcule Earole ones soon.
Blod skal være min endelige prisen!
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  Quote Jano Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jan 2014 at 6:59pm
*Taps feet* Hopefully I can tempt Daggers back soon to check out our spiffy new club! Wink
The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one
will do ~ Thomas Jefferson
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